The “Influencer”

There can be few callings which I hold is such low esteem as that of the “Influencer”.

Apparently, an influencer is “an individual who has the power to affect the purchase decisions of others because of his/her authority, knowledge, position or relationship with his/her audience”.

I picture the male influencer as a man of around 40, sporting a brown and overly wide chalk stripe suit. On his feet are likely to be found a pair of grey basket work winkle-pickers.  He will have a orange tinted face, a perma-tan, mined presumably from some tub of ointment or procured from that most bizarre of salons, the tanning shop.

His voice will be unctuous and over friendly – for he is the close relative of the “Salesman”. He will appear over confident, bumptious and very probably ignorant. His education will have been from the University of Life, since conventional universities do not yet offer education or training in “Influencing”. No doubt that shortcoming will end soon. At some college near you, a three year degree course in “influencing” will soon become available.

It’s all to do with Social Media apparently.

They say that “influencers” fall into the following categories:

  1. Celebrities
  2. Industry experts and thought leaders
  3. Bloggers and content creators
  4. Micro Influencers

What the hell is a “thought leader”? You got me there. No idea I’m afraid. Perhaps it’s some horrible new invention by the US Military or the CIA. Brainwashing?

And “celebrities”? Women with enhanced breasts and huge buttocks married to swarthy gentlemen wearing gold chains who drive large white Rolls Royces? Yes, I think that must be it.

Anyway, these awful people blog and vlog. Vlogging is apparently blogging but making it doubly ghastly by videoing their message.

Men in their brown suits and women with their protruding exuberance will stare out at you and unashamedly try to convince you to part with cash for loathsome tat you have no need for and don’t want in the first place.

ICOs (International Coin Offerings) represent my earliest memory of the “influencer”. An over zealous little puppet was recommending that we should buy entirely useless tokens and altcoins which would crash and burn shortly after launch. The odious little shark was getting paid by the issuers to push their useless junk and thanks to “fomo” (yuk!) his horrible tactics proved most efficacious.

So there you have it. The “Influencer”.   All you need to know really. If you recognize one switch the blighter off immediately. Smash your “smartfone”, abandon the internet (or at least use it for something useful).

The “Influencer” turns out to be nothing but a modern interpretation of the grubby, odious salesman.


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