It is hard to express the profound experience to be found in meditation without sounding oily and unctuous.
I continue to write very largely so as to keep a diary, rather to attract an audience with all the vanity that that entails. I find it useful to look back over the five years odd I have been keeping this personal record, to see what progress if any I may have made on my road to nowhere. Or somewhere.
Let me be clear – I do not wear a beatific smile. I do not seek to preach, to the unwashed or otherwise. I simply seek my own course, pursue it. To escape from a lifetime of impenetrable blackness. To discover meaning in an apparently aimless universe.
If there is a god, Christian or otherwise, then as creator he must bear sole responsibility for clearing up the ghastly mess he has made. I don’t intend to help him.
If on the other hand, reality is something of an entirely different and uncreated nature, as seems likely, it is still every man for himself anyway. Or woman, child, creature.
And yet if what I write, if the tales of my endless journey be of help to some, then I am glad of that. I do not wish ill, nor am I insensitive to the stupefying suffering on this earthly dystopia or elsewhere. My writing is the only contribution I can usefully make, read or otherwise.
Great works have in any case never led to universal peace and happiness. Simply to further inequality and injustice.
If there is a way out, it is to be found not through conversion to some man made dogma or foolish cult. But through personal “enlightenment”.
And lest that word sounds fawning and oleaginous, may I hasten to add I merely intend to convey the process of becoming “unblinkered”. In a psychological sense. In a rational sense. To become able to exercise reason, wisdom and levelheadedness. To see reality as it is.
Enough of the apologies then, although I do believe they are important to my purpose. To my self exploration. To my journey. To convey what it is I seek and that that I do not.
I wish for peace. It is that simple. And if there can be peace for all, so much the better. My belief is that inner peace will not of itself be found through science or religious dogma.
Peace, at least in my own quest, has only begun to emerge through letting go. By looking within. By abandoning pretence. By looking at the futility of what most strive for, and turning in the opposite direction.
Perhaps for others, the meaning of reality, if only some personal rather than universal reality, will be made clear in other ways.
In obeisance to a deity perhaps. In a life of ascetic abstinence.
But peace is certainly unlikely to be discovered in hedonism or the wielding of power. In excess or greed or violence. But who knows, perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the violent Halls of Valhalla give comfort and certainty to some. Maybe there are those who find truth in pure violence and unspeakable cruelty. In which case, evil may be said to exist after all and the universe is not an inert and blank canvas.
That is not my belief however. Peace is to be found elsewhere entirely and I have found no more practical route than quiet meditation.
For many years my meditation was “unguided” and haphazard. Sitting in quiet contemplation on a mountain top or a remote beach. Listening to the sound of the wind or the murmuration of the waves on a remote beach.
It was a dead end. A pleasant and thoughtful pursuit and yet not one which led me to peace. The abyss remained close by, the darkness ever ready to consume and convert an already tortured soul into something ever more terrified, desperate and unhinged. To stand at the edge of the crevasse, at the very gates of Hades, is not an experience to be savoured. Nor is it by any means simple to stand back, to retreat from that dread precipice and search for kinder climes.
We may have advanced from the days of Galen, but we are still so very far from understanding the human mind and body. While some may be blessed with quietude and concord at birth, others are forced to travel a harsh and uncertain road beset by uncertainty and doubt. Perhaps none are granted peace from birth – certainly none are spared the vicissitudes of this often grim existence.
Medicine can not grant peace, although some benefit to an extent from the numbing effect of strong and poorly researched chemicals, produced by big pharma, largely for their own benefit. The Sackler family and Purdue Pharma come to mind.
Many seek relief and a false peace in alcohol or opium, cocaine or ecstasy. A sure road to damnation as I for one can testify.
True peace comes from a different direction entirely. A change of lifestyle, the renunciation of harmful pursuits and substances, the gradual accumulation of wisdom. And yet in my own case, none of this ever tipped the balance.
My daily meditation began to take a very different form. Guided and directed with the express purpose of becoming who or perhaps what I wanted to become. By choosing goals and making them into a mantra. By guiding myself towards a different landscape, a different reality.
And that different reality has appeared and continues to change and morph day by day. Not every throw wins a coconut, but most certainly do. Most sessions build upon the last and the process is cumulative, becoming stronger every day. It has reached the stage where often a mood can be produced by simply willing it. Imagine it, declare its reality and so it becomes.
And there is strangeness, of that there is no doubt. An increasing awareness that a different world is there to be had; and I take it. Nothing dramatic, just echoes and glimpses of better things. And pleasure. And peace. Strong images in the mind, feelings, and not voices exactly but a feeling of being in contact with something other.
I concede that I am given to things “arty”, to beauty and music and feelings. But this is something different, visceral and real.
There will be those that say it is “mere” chemicals and indeed it may be that meditation produces dopamine or serotonin. As well as slower brain waves. But exactly the same may be said of “normal” day to day existence. Anger, greed indeed any emotion has a chemical signature and yet they are none the less real for all of that.
Meditation seems to be giving me the ability to experience life in a dramatically different way, to the extent that it feels very much like walking through William Blake’s Doors of Perception.
There may be an alternate reality – one in which we are living anyway but can not see. One which takes practice and a certain mindset to access.
That, in any event, is my conclusion so far.
A conclusion with which I am most satisfied and for which I am most grateful.
As I continue on my idiosyncratic and unconventional path, as I progress along the road less travelled, I am finding at last a quiet pleasure in my uneventful existence.
Illustration: William Blake – from the Song of Los
Weltanschauung 
I enjoyed reading this offering for a number of reasons, since it gives some valuable background information about your experiences and also expresses your views succinctly, without downplaying or dismissing those of others. It’s not easy to be forthright always while elaborating about personal spiritual matters without suggesting that other paths which you do not endorse are somehow less valuable.
Your explorations recently have been both interesting and informative about how you arrived at the place you find yourself now, and even though you occasionally speak quite directly and with substantial emphasis, whatever differences there might be between you and your readers in their views feel only like differences and not advocating for anyone to change what they think.
I also love the illustrations you’ve included recently, especially those of William Blake. The classics are so infrequently invoked these days on our 21st century internet that your inclusion of them, to me, are greatly appreciated.
As always…John H.
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Yes, I think an important part of peace is not imposing one’s views on others and admitting to doubt, to unknowing. I too love Blake. It has been too long since I have read that wonderful mystic in any depth. Thank you for your comments John, best wishes, A
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I came to the conclusion long ago that the solution to our “human problem” lies simply in the exploration of inner space.
Inner space is that realm where peace and enlightenment can and does exist should one care to try and access it. And that I think is the root cause of the problem, the vast majority do not seek out the Huxleyan reducing value because they have no clue that it exists, living as it were completely in the material realm.
I actually take great joy in watching those space rockets, those phallic and groinal extensions of Messrs Musk, Bezos and Branson explode into a trillion pieces. Why would one even contemplate exploring outer space when it is inner space that needs to be conquered first, as what is happening in the here and now will no doubt happen in the there and then once (if we ever do) get there (wherever there is). The last thing we should do is to spread our inhumanity across the galaxy without fixing “us”, which would not doubt turn out to be a sort of “cosmic Covid”.
I too am clean these days, and have come to the conclusion that substance abuse (be it a beer, bong or biscuit), clouds the mind and turns the reducing value to 0 (when in fact we should be looking to turn it all the way up to 11), which blocks out mental clarity, peace and what it means just to be, well, nice.
Bill Hicks said it best, it’s a clear choice between love and fear, but we need to find inner space and inner peace first…
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real, because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun, for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder: “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say: “Hey, don’t worry. Don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn’t matter, because … it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride: Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”
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Oh god you are so right. What wonderful comment. I’m sitting on a beach in Sandwich Bay and will respond in more detail later. I’m down because developers are pissing over nature down here. Thousands of acres of Unaffordable housing so they can buy more cars and yachts and booze and women on the proceeds. And the poor fuckers who actually need to be housed can’t afford them. I’m thinking of coming and joining you at that Welsh commune. Everything you say is right. Love not greed. Love not fear and violence. You are right about it all.
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I have no idea whether I am right but in general the trouble mostly seems to be caused by a relatively small part of the population who have the sheer determination and vileness to leg over the rest. Probably most of us want peace.
Trouble is, it’s like playing a game of Whac-A-Mole. Get rid of Thatcher, Boris sex manic Johnson, Putin, Trump – whoever, and a dozen more pop up. Let’s face it the genuinely religious types got it right. If you discard the absurd belief in a beneficent deity (yeah, I’ll do the jokes) the good old New Testament does spell it out – the right way to live. So do the boys in the yellow robes and funny hairstyles.
The world is no different today than it has ever been – its just that the thugs have got bigger and better toys to play with. And commerce / capitalism is really a sort of substitute for good old fashioned violence. The Dukes of Northumberland, Norfolk and so on stole their lands from the natives when they invaded in 1066, killing much of the population of the north as they went.
The Sackler family did much the same with opiates. Handed out death for cash. And the ghastly hi tech mob? The awful Musk and his ghastly cronies, and the rest – just old fashioned thugs on a smash and grab raid.
I think you are right about peace within ourselves. And about seeing that it is all just a silly fairground ride.
My personal solution is much the same as yours – try and be nice, look within, realise it won’t change and bury my head in the sand.
God help the universe indeed, if Elon and his mates succeed in getting off this blighted planet.
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Michael, I came to the realisation this morning that I was letting anger get the better of me. How very pointless and disappointing. I have been watching the greedy property developers down here in Kent eating up the countryside for their own benefit. I have been looking at the state of the world and the endless savage conflicts. I have been pointlessly letting myself get upset again by the greed and stupidity of the politicians and the robber barons. I have almost felt violent at points over the past few days and dreamt of revolution. And today, thank the non existent god, I have come to my senses. I have spent time within quietly finding my balance, expelling the absurd anger and realising once again how futile such emotions are. I have, once again, thank god, found peace within and once again come to the realisation that these people can’t really help themselves. That our species is made the way it is and that such behaviour is natural to our evolutionary instinct. That to feel anger is simply to join them and to make the world a worse place. You are right, our human problem can only be solved from within and individual by individual. I must stick to my path of peace and simply let the world go by. I hope you will excuse these further thoughts but I suddenly recognised how wrong and counter productive it was of me to express anger and frustration. It simply adds fuel to the terrible conflagration around us. All best wishes, Anthony
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It really is difficult to refuse/resist the pull of injustice at times, I think it only natural for those that care about others to get angry and to what a change to the order of things.
I too fall foul every now and again. I’m often ridiculed for my go-to sources of “truth” and get inflated when my aligned beliefs are broadcast by others, yet ultimately deflated when they sign off without any tangible plans for change.
I try to only concern myself now with things they I can control, which is the wage coming in, the heating, feeding, clothing, watering for the family and being a good husband, dad, friend, neighbour and colleague. Everything else just is (what it is).
Avoiding media outlets of all kind, is kind, to the mind 🙂
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That’s the right way to live.
A
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