For nearly a decade, I have been adrift in a Sea of Words, documenting a relentless search for truths as a form of unashamed catharsis intended to explain myself to my own mind.
My archive consists of hundreds of posts, recording a transition from the bad-tempered rants of an aging cynic to a state close to ataraxia—an almost undisturbed mental tranquillity.
I have often been asked if this journey has led to any tangible conclusion, and my response is always the same: yes, but you must make the journey for yourself. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
It does not matter what the Dalai Lama says, nor does it matter what is written in the thousands of “self-help” books that clutter the shelves of the “Wellness Industry”. What matters is whether a practice works to relieve the profound suffering of the human condition.
I can confirm that after sixty five years of being blighted by serious, black depression, I have succeeded in besting the beast.
The Arid Desert of Seeking
I was a “seeker” for over thirty-five years. I looked in every corner for the “Philosopher’s Stone”—the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I studied the Book of Common Prayer for its sublime, calming language, the Buddhist sutras for their powerful remedy, and the works of modern science to see if the “men in white coats” had finally unravelled the mystery of consciousness.
For a long time, I was seduced by the promise of the “silver bullet”. I tried every medically approved drug on offer, from SSRIs to psychedelics, in the hope of finding an instant escape from trauma and misery. I listened to cross-legged Russian windbags and diamante-spectacled gurus who promised a short cut to god and liberation for a fiver.
I discovered that most of these “merchants of dreams” are cynical fakes. They offer “McMindfulness”—a fashion accessory for the busy professional—rather than a genuine path out of the pit. I learned that you cannot buy your way into Nirvana. The answer lies within, and it requires a level of persistence and rigorous self-discipline that few are willing to apply.
The Rigor of the Daily Path
My own success began not with the “blinding flash” of enlightenment, but with a determined, daily commitment to meditation practice. For the past four years, I have followed a routine that would seem to most like living in a closed monastic order.
Each morning begins with at least one hour (often two) of sitting meditation before I even get out of bed. I no longer worry about “technique” or whether I am “getting it right”. I sit in comfort, following my breath and occasionally repeating a simple mantra of my own making.
Through my practice, I have proved to myself that the subconscious can be trained. The damaging “scripts” of worry and rumination that once ran like well-worn tracks through my mind have been overwritten by more beneficent patterns. When I meditate, the world recedes, and I am left (more often than not) in a place of fecund emptiness where all seems well.
The second pillar of my practice is meditative exercise. I perform slow, sloth-like Pilates or Yoga for an hour or two every day. This is not a sweaty marathon but a rhythmic, deliberate stretching that deepens my inner calm. Lying back on my mat, I am often flooded with a sensation of mild ecstasy—what the scientists might call an endocannabinoid high, but what I experience as pure, unadulterated peace.
The Result: Life as a Meditation
Has this practice changed my life? I can say, without any shade or shadow of doubt, that it has. I find that my entire existence has become a meditation. I am no longer a character in a book that has already been written; I have become an autonomous agent capable of authoring my own reality.
This “Proof of the Pudding” is (mostly!) visible in how I greet the world:
- The Absence of Conflict: I have learned to let go of the need to be right. I no longer engage with the “Pigs,” “Salesmen,” and “Trolls” who once irritated me so intensely. I have withdrawn from the “Human Zoo” of politics and business, recognizing it as a zero-sum game of greed and power play.
- A Raised Hedonic Baseline: My default state is now mostly one of calm and acceptance. The Black Dog that pawed at my door for over six decades has more or less disappeared.
- Oneness with the Background: I often feel the sensation of fading into the environment, being absorbed into the beauty of the natural world. Whether I am pruning fruit trees or watching a kestrel hover over the marshes, I often feel a sense of almost mystical unity that requires no god or dogma to explain.
The Simple Rule
We live in Puzzle’s Stable (like the dwarves in Narnia’s Last Battle), surrounded by paradise but unable to see it because we are blinded by our own small vanities and concerns. We treat our planet like a slaughterhouse and our fellow men as competitors to be crushed.
Once you come to know a quiet mind, you realize that the world does not need more entrepreneurs or tech titans or politicians seeking to own the planet. The world needs no crusades or missiles, no endless brutality.
The world needs people who are willing to stop and listen, go inwards. To smell the flowers. Who yearn only for peace and decency.
I have arrived at a final conclusion; my Weltanschauung is complete. Nothing matters except how you treat others. In a seemingly meaningless universe, the only “truth” is the imperative to treat every sentient being with the kindness and decency we would wish for ourselves.
The Book of Common Prayer speaks of the “peace which the world cannot give”. And yet, through the simple act of sitting in silence and reflecting on my own behaviour, peace is exactly what I have found.
If you are standing at the edge of an abyss, you have nothing to lose. Give it a go. The path is long and arduous (or at least it was in my case), but the reward is a window onto the soul that reveals a world of infinite beauty.
Image: Claude: Landscape with the Marriage of Isaac and Rebekah, 1648. The National Gallery, London
yes.
If there is one good thing which comes with age, to some of us anyway, it is to see life for what it is. In all its beauty and ugliness. Thank you for reading and commenting Ron. A
Sounds like you have beaten the last big boss in the RPG game of life and the final credits are scrolling upwards to soft and serene music, and you sit there knowing that the hard work is done, and all that remains is a peaceful transition to the last blank screen of nothingness.
Unless of course there is a “Marvel-ous” post-credits scene that takes you on to another round, another game, or back into the source code itself.
Most people would have turned off the computer by the time the end credits began to roll, oblivious to the fact that there may actually be an “End Game”…
An End Game 🎮…I wonder? I remain agnostic but waver. Mostly I am a believer in science more than the Marvel-ous but I’ve had enough odd experiences over the years to make me none too sure. I’ve read a lot of research recently on advanced meditation (mostly by Harvard) which describes the non dual state in advanced practitioners and the correlated brain state. Is it just the mind playing tricks or is there some hidden reality? I went to a wonderful concert last night: Rachmaninoff’s Vespers, and transcendence certainly seems a reality at such times. As to a god or gods, I think not. I look at the world and laugh at god’s incompetence or cruelty. How are your own musings coming along?
I’m exactly one year out from sending in my resignation letter so that feels great and not so far away now.
Meditation still sporadic but off to a sound bath later so that keeps the wolf from the door.
I have taken the George Carlin approach to politics over the last ten years and haven’t voted (“well I didn’t vote them in…”) but I have of late been thinking about it more and more in terms of my post-retirement days an the wanting to do more for my local community.
It’s was probably a moment of weakness/insanity that I joined the Green Party recently as it’s seems to be the last hope and sanctuary for left-aligned folks so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve already been asked to stand in the local upcoming elections by the party chair here, too much too soon perhaps, but I’m sure I have the experience and know how to play a part of what could (even though it is minutely remote) bring down the neoliberal elites with a swing from the right to the socialist left.
Last two by-elections in the north west have swung massively to the greens, so there is a ray of hope shining through the dark clouds 💚
I do wonder whether politics might be a poor counter influence on your well being? Somebody has to do the job I guess but if you are seeking peace I fear that politics may severely interfere with that aim?
More than likely! I’ll see how things materialise and yes there may be better ways to give back, but if manageable effort can be put in to prevent the rise of the far right then it may be a price worth paying.
Well I quite agree, obviously but maybe your own health should come first…
Incidentally I’ve decided to go for gold on this whole thing. Who knows perhaps it will answer some of those questions. I’m doing up to 4 hours a day sitting meditation and at least two hours of exercise. Which leaves just enough room to eat, sleep, play the piano and occasionally go to a concert! I want complete mastership.
You will get there for sure. As the late Roy castle would say “Meditation, meditation, meditation – that’s what you need” 🙂
Lovely, Anthony. Congratulations.
Thank you!
I, too, have wrestled w/ depression. My answer though was in Christ. I am glad you have found peace.
Anna – I hope you too have found peace. I have every respect and liking for Jesus the man – he must have been wonderful.
This reasoning might benefit you: https://freedup7.blog/2026/04/02/how-jesus-meditated-vs-how-people-meditate-today/
Thank you for sharing your journey into the light. Born a Hindu, practising Buddhist philosophy for almost 30 years, studied at an Irish missionary convent school where we had Bible study classes, ive been lucky to have access to all the spiritual wealth that is contained in these ancient religious disciplines. Still learning but have made some headway. I look forward to reading more posts like this. Learnt a new word too.. ataraxia. 😊🙏🏼
What an interesting life you have led. I will keep on writing. My hope is that I can reliably reach one or other of the end points of meditation on a repeatable and regular basis. Meditation and exercise is about all I do nowadays, having retired. Thank you for your comments
🙏🏼🙏🏼
I worked on a Zen path, beginning in 94. I was given three modes: chanting, zazen, koan. Now, along with the help of neuroscience, big relief! Samsara and nirvana are generated by the Default Mode Network in reaction to Darwinian pressures. There is no one here typing the word “liberation.”
Perhaps it makes good sense that the scientists have got involved. No, indeed they do not talk of liberation but knowing how these experiences correlate to actions I’m the brain doesn’t perhaps take away the wonder of the sensations felt. It’s still pretty “miraculous” we can have such control over our lives. Do you still practice Isabella Tomb of Doom?
I have never tried drugs but the language of the Book of Common Prayer has always given me pleasure. Thanks for this meditative peace of prose. Every spring, outside my bedroom window, two red tulips burst out amidst a sea of green ferns. They bloomed only yesterday, and give me immense pleasure.
I realise with increasing strength that one must take pleasure in such simple beauty, seize the day, look out of the window. Difficult though that may be in our troubled world.
I have no “like” button today, but I do “like”!