The Pig

The Pig is really a most unfortunate combination of every absurdity known to modern man.

For a start he is ill educated and stupid but does not appear to realize it. The Pig seems to get through life by the twin weapons of bullying and dogged persistence.

No sooner have you got his horrible, greedy snout removed from your front door than you discover he has gone round the back for a another attempt to swindle and bamboozle you with his ridiculous, pompous, self serving bullshit.

The mailed fist is the only way to deal with the Pig. Metaphorically speaking of course. Because the Pig is unable to understand rational argument. Or if he has a glimmer that what you are saying might have the merest seed of truth, he will choose to ignore that truth.

The Pig is a conman, a liar, a cheat. In a small, mean and chiseling way. He will engage in petty swindles wherever and whenever he can. He is “Dell Boy Trotter” without the charm.

The Pig is also a terminal and petty snob. He bolsters his ego by mixing only with those he considers the great and the good.

He is also an arse licker of the first order, with a nose so brown you know exactly where it has been.

In more charitable moments one is tempted to ignore the Pig. As long as your paths don’t cross that is an eminently possible and sensible solution. Trouble is when you are forced to confront the Pig, he brings out the worst in you and makes meaningless your very best intentions.

The New Testament tells us that the meek shall inherit the earth. We are told to turn the other cheek. When faced with the Pig we are ashamed to say all our good intentions fly out of the window. We are tempted to say “bollocks to the New Testament”. Oh dear, we really wish we didn’t have to admit that.

I wish I could behave myself better. I wish that I need not yield to the temptation of anger. Should I give in then? Should I let the Pig trample all over people? Victimize them with his petty swindles and larcenous ways? Well, probably I should. But I am only human, alas.

The only way to deal with the Pig is to wipe him out of your life as you would remove excrement from your shoe. If only it were that easy.


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